Identity Theft

We all know how much we love our kiddos. We love them more than we love ourselves {well, most of us}. But I am going to be brutally honest here: having children has somewhat stolen my own identity from myself.

For the past six years, my life has been completed and utterly devoted to my daughter. And now that has become plural. I love them more than anything! But there are times when I will look back and wish that the younger, carefree version of Me could emerge! 

2006

 Now, that is not to say that I enjoyed that version of myself better, it is just to say that those were less stressful times. The days that for me, were filled with what I believe is a permanent fixture of myself: Music.

Me back then, consisted of: good friends, dive bars, live music, and a lot of festivals! And I would be lying to myself if I said that I do not miss some of that. Because I do! 

However, the life I lead now is the path that I was destined to travel. I truly believe that, and would not change any of it! But who doesn't, from time to time, wish they could take a breather to do what they enjoy the most. Guilt free!! 

Because back then, it was guilt free! There were no children to feed. Or tuck in, or read to. In fact, me just writing this already has me feeling guilty for just thinking these thoughts! Let alone admitting them publicly! And why is that? Is it just me?!

Back to the subject at hand: Now this is not to say that I do not get to occasionally partake in some good ol' fun! And granted, the definition of "fun" varies from person to person. But for me, myself and I, fun consists of the following: live music, concerts, music festivals, and yes...the occasional dive bar {from time to time}! As cheesy as this may sound to some, when I am in the moment, I become completely  engrossed in every note, and every lyric, of the music that I am listening to. And in that moment, I am not just listening, but I know that I am meant to be there. In that exact moment in time, to soak it all up. Every last second of auditory excellence!! 

2010...Best. Concert. Ever.

See what I mean? I miss it! Not being able to make my own money to spend on a whim when I see one of my favorite bands or artists are coming into town! Because that is what I used to do. I used to live it up, and now I don't. Instead, I throw myself into my days by being completely submerged into all things Kindergarten. All things baby.

So how do I treat myself these days {well, really the past six years}? Well...I BUY my music, and I really listen to it. I am a total lyric-listener. I really listen to what is being said. The story that is being told. And yes, I play the air drum in my car, and I sing out loud!! And nope, I am not ashamed, and I do not hide it! 

And when I say I BUY my music, I mean it. I do not pirate it, and I do not steal it. Granted, I might burn a CD from someone on occasion, but I always purchase music. And why you might ask? Well, because I am truly a believer that music is an Art, and I want to do everything in my power to support the Artists that I love. I believe in them and their art form, and I want to support it. So yes, I purchase every tune, and I proud to admit it!

To sum this all up: while I couldn't imagine my life without my children, and I would not change a thing, I miss a few certain aspects of my old Self. Which in a way, feels as if a minor case of Identity Theft has indeed taken place. 

These words may be a little..."extreme". But if the shoe fits and all that...The best part of my absolute LOVE for all things music, is that I have already passed it on to Emma! And now I am "working" on Haylee! Not that it was intentional, but it happened, and I couldn't be more Proud of my child's admiration for the Artistry of Music! If I do not do anything else right in this whole parenting gig, I will at least know that I did this one thing right!

*ROCK ON*

Routines and Guilt

In 5 weeks and 3 days, not much has changed around here.
Other than Haylee's first Halloween!!
 

We are still having mostly-sleepless nights. Occasionally Haylee will sleep for 4 hour stretches, which is very nice! But once she is awake, she will not go back to sleep...little stinker! She likes to wake up around 12am or so, drink a bottle and just look around. She finally falls back asleep around 3 or 4-ish. It's been rough, to say the least. But it all comes with the territory! Plus, I have finally started to settle into a routine with the Girls!

On the weekdays, I wake Em up at 7am to get ready for school. I get her fed, dressed, ready to go and feed myself. All while Haylee is {usually} still asleep. Then around 8:30am I drive her up to the bus stop, and she's off! Then I head back home, make myself a cup of STRONG coffee, do whatever I need to do around the house, take an hour to watch some t.v. alone, in the quiet! That's usually when Haylee wakes up, right on que!
I have to change her, feed her, burp her, etc...Then it's just about time to pick Em up from the bus stop, right around 12:20pm. Once we get back, it's time to make lunch.
Each day I have to go through Em's backpack to see what she has done for the day. I try to read a little with her, but that unfortunately does not happen every day.
We try to find something to do during the afternoon, for Emma's sanity! Then, it's about time to start thinking about dinner and the nighttime routine. Which I will not bore you with.

So yeah. I'm getting there...Slowly!

And as some of you may already know, I had difficulties breast feeding Emma, and it hasn't been much easier this time around. I breast feed Haylee for about a week or so, then decided to exclusively pump (due to the pain and difficulty of it). And with exclusively pumping, comes a lot of stress and a lot of commitment. Let's just say that I have my alarm set on my phone for every 3 hours. Yes, you have to pump that often, for 15-20 minutes at a time. It takes up a lot of time. But for me, it far outweighs the pains and stresses of exclusively breast feeding.

We were hoping that this time around I would be able to feed her breast milk for a long time, so that we could save money on formula. But sadly, that is turning out to not be the case. My production has been dwindling, and I have tried everything they say to try - Fenugreek, pumping on a schedule, etc...it just seems to be my bodies thing. Not producing enough.
So needless to say, I have been supplementing with formula. Luckily, I received three different cans as samples, so I have been using those up.

And about the money we thought we might save? It turns out in the long run we really won't be. :( I have been renting a pump from the hospital, so the money we would be spending on that, will end up being the money we {inevitably} spend on formula.
 We were both really hoping that this time around things would be different on this subject. I went through the exact same thing with Emma. The only difference, is that this time I did produce a little bit more. But not by a whole lot.

Yes, this is frustrating. And stressful. And I am guilt ridden. 
Not being able to provide naturally for your child, as it is intended, is a really tough thing to have to swallow {hence the guilt}. But it is, what it is. As unfortunate as that may be.

{This whole subject is so touchy, and tons of women are "judgy" on it.
So I ask nicely, that if you are one of them, please do not say a word. I do not need your negativity on top of my guilt and stress. Thank you!}