"You only know what I want you to..."
This past weekend while others were out celebrating Zombies and Freedom, I was busy concentrating on trying to make my mind stop running in circles. Although last night was the perfect reminder for me: Life is short. Love is not easy to come by. Family is FOREVER - no matter what. Friends come and go, but only a precious few will stick around. And Freedom is most definitely not free.
Lately I find myself withdrawing from people. This is what some call my M.O. As do I. And usually I have a good reason for doing it. But this time I have managed to baffle myself. I cannot seem to figure out why I am doing this....again. It is not a fun place to be. And the worse part? There is no one else to blame.
I find myself not relating to anybody, or anything lately. I almost feel like I have lost myself, and I trying desperately to find myself again. And it makes me angry. Because honestly, how many times can a 28 year old "find" themselves? Maybe this is my version of some lame cop-out.
I have always had this strange feeling like I should "act my age". But I have no desire to do so. I do not want to get drunk, or whatever it is that society thinks my generation should be doing. To be completely honest, I think I may have failed. But in WHAT is the question. In life? Parenting? Having a real career? Providing for my family? Having friends? Because I can't figure any of it out. And let me tell you, it is exhausting.
I know, I know. I'm still young and have a lot ahead of me. The thing that really makes me angry, is that when I feel like this all I can think about is all of the people who have REAL problems. REAL issues. I have been told by many to not diminish my feelings or my problems. That they are real. But are they really? Because I personally know of others that really DO have problems or issues. Such as illness. Death. Divorce. Sickness. Etc...And I cannot stand this feeling of being selfish. Because I do not consider myself to be a selfish person. And I do not want to take anything for granted. But instead, I
think know that that is exactly what I am doing.
How do I fix this? How can I make everything go back to the way it was years ago? When I actually had people to talk to? Friends who would honestly listen? I have quite the history of pushing people away, now that I think about it. So in retrospect, I suppose this all has to do with me. My issues.
So with this said, and out in the open, I am going to push play on a cheery, optimistic song. I am going to turn the volume up, and go outside in this gorgeous Washington weather, and play with my beautiful daughter.
At the end of the day, isn't that why we are here? To enjoy the moments we have? That is what I need to go do!