Friday, November 2, 2012

Routines and Guilt

In 5 weeks and 3 days, not much has changed around here.
Other than Haylee's first Halloween!!
We are still having mostly-sleepless nights. Occasionally Haylee will sleep for 4 hour stretches, which is very nice! But once she is awake, she will not go back to sleep...little stinker! She likes to wake up around 12am or so, drink a bottle and just look around. She finally falls back asleep around 3 or 4-ish. It's been rough, to say the least. But it all comes with the territory! Plus, I have finally started to settle into a routine with the Girls!

On the weekdays, I wake Em up at 7am to get ready for school. I get her fed, dressed, ready to go and feed myself. All while Haylee is {usually} still asleep. Then around 8:30am I drive her up to the bus stop, and she's off! Then I head back home, make myself a cup of STRONG coffee, do whatever I need to do around the house, take an hour to watch some t.v. alone, in the quiet! That's usually when Haylee wakes up, right on que!
I have to change her, feed her, burp her, etc...Then it's just about time to pick Em up from the bus stop, right around 12:20pm. Once we get back, it's time to make lunch.
Each day I have to go through Em's backpack to see what she has done for the day. I try to read a little with her, but that unfortunately does not happen every day.
We try to find something to do during the afternoon, for Emma's sanity! Then, it's about time to start thinking about dinner and the nighttime routine. Which I will not bore you with.

So yeah. I'm getting there...Slowly!

And as some of you may already know, I had difficulties breast feeding Emma, and it hasn't been much easier this time around. I breast feed Haylee for about a week or so, then decided to exclusively pump (due to the pain and difficulty of it). And with exclusively pumping, comes a lot of stress and a lot of commitment. Let's just say that I have my alarm set on my phone for every 3 hours. Yes, you have to pump that often, for 15-20 minutes at a time. It takes up a lot of time. But for me, it far outweighs the pains and stresses of exclusively breast feeding.

We were hoping that this time around I would be able to feed her breast milk for a long time, so that we could save money on formula. But sadly, that is turning out to not be the case. My production has been dwindling, and I have tried everything they say to try - Fenugreek, pumping on a schedule, just seems to be my bodies thing. Not producing enough.
So needless to say, I have been supplementing with formula. Luckily, I received three different cans as samples, so I have been using those up.

And about the money we thought we might save? It turns out in the long run we really won't be. :( I have been renting a pump from the hospital, so the money we would be spending on that, will end up being the money we {inevitably} spend on formula.
 We were both really hoping that this time around things would be different on this subject. I went through the exact same thing with Emma. The only difference, is that this time I did produce a little bit more. But not by a whole lot.

Yes, this is frustrating. And stressful. And I am guilt ridden. 
Not being able to provide naturally for your child, as it is intended, is a really tough thing to have to swallow {hence the guilt}. But it is, what it is. As unfortunate as that may be.

{This whole subject is so touchy, and tons of women are "judgy" on it.
So I ask nicely, that if you are one of them, please do not say a word. I do not need your negativity on top of my guilt and stress. Thank you!}