Work In Progress

Lately I have been trying to be okay with myself. 

With my body, my image, my personality, my stye, my life.

For me personally, this is a lot easier said than done. 

I am in constant battle with myself. 

I wake up in the morning feeling one way, and go to bed feeling another. 

Comparison has always been a problem for me. 

It always will be. 

Something that I will always have to work on and "deal" with. 

Social Media has a very large role in this...

Seeing and reading how "perfect" someones life is on the surface is difficult for me. 

However, I KNOW that it is not always real and that people only say what they want you to know.

I am not naive to that fact. 

I have thought on more than one occasion to disconnect completely and live life like we used to.

How we are supposed to!

But then I realize that the only way I will know what's going on is through that type of contact. 

So I continue reading, liking, and posting. 

Because after all, that is what our world has become. 

{Take a look at blogs for instance!}

One would think that at the age of thirty one, it would be easy to like ones self.

That it would come as easy as breathing, as blinking.

But for some of us it just isn't so. 

While in the midst of the whirlwind that is life, and all that comes {the good and the bad}, I have learned to take everything one day at a time.

To step back and take a deep breath when I feel like I am sinking. 

The feelings of seclusion and loneliness are one and the same for me.

But I get through them...eventually. 

Like I said, one day at a time. 

Sure, there are a million different medications that could make it "easier."

But I have tried those before, and they only make things better on the surface. 

And only for a short period of time, until they destroy parts of you that harder to fix in the long run.

So I chose to fix myself. 

Or at least try!

Over the years I have become extremely good at wearing that mask you hear about.

You know, the one with the plastered smile and the contagious laugh?

The one that nobody can see through?

I have mastered that skill. The art of pretending. 

It is the hardest battle I have to fight everyday.

Somedays are harder than others, but I always make it through to the other side!

It might take me a little longer to dig myself out, but I know I can do it because I have in the past.

I do it more often than I care to admit. 

And of the BEST forms of medicine for me, is always music!

Honestly, without it I feel like I would be lost most of the time! 

I turn on a song, and forget about the silly things are seem to be bothering me at the time.

I turn up the volume and sing it out! Dance it out! 

And my girls. 

If not for them, I couldn't get of bed in the morning. 

They are literally the reason I survive.

They need me more than I know. 

And I need them more than they know.

I am my own work in progress. 

After all said and done, I know that I become stronger because of it.

And I know that in the end I will be better because of it.

I GOT THIS!

Identity Theft

We all know how much we love our kiddos. We love them more than we love ourselves {well, most of us}. But I am going to be brutally honest here: having children has somewhat stolen my own identity from myself.

For the past six years, my life has been completed and utterly devoted to my daughter. And now that has become plural. I love them more than anything! But there are times when I will look back and wish that the younger, carefree version of Me could emerge! 

2006

 Now, that is not to say that I enjoyed that version of myself better, it is just to say that those were less stressful times. The days that for me, were filled with what I believe is a permanent fixture of myself: Music.

Me back then, consisted of: good friends, dive bars, live music, and a lot of festivals! And I would be lying to myself if I said that I do not miss some of that. Because I do! 

However, the life I lead now is the path that I was destined to travel. I truly believe that, and would not change any of it! But who doesn't, from time to time, wish they could take a breather to do what they enjoy the most. Guilt free!! 

Because back then, it was guilt free! There were no children to feed. Or tuck in, or read to. In fact, me just writing this already has me feeling guilty for just thinking these thoughts! Let alone admitting them publicly! And why is that? Is it just me?!

Back to the subject at hand: Now this is not to say that I do not get to occasionally partake in some good ol' fun! And granted, the definition of "fun" varies from person to person. But for me, myself and I, fun consists of the following: live music, concerts, music festivals, and yes...the occasional dive bar {from time to time}! As cheesy as this may sound to some, when I am in the moment, I become completely  engrossed in every note, and every lyric, of the music that I am listening to. And in that moment, I am not just listening, but I know that I am meant to be there. In that exact moment in time, to soak it all up. Every last second of auditory excellence!! 

2010...Best. Concert. Ever.

See what I mean? I miss it! Not being able to make my own money to spend on a whim when I see one of my favorite bands or artists are coming into town! Because that is what I used to do. I used to live it up, and now I don't. Instead, I throw myself into my days by being completely submerged into all things Kindergarten. All things baby.

So how do I treat myself these days {well, really the past six years}? Well...I BUY my music, and I really listen to it. I am a total lyric-listener. I really listen to what is being said. The story that is being told. And yes, I play the air drum in my car, and I sing out loud!! And nope, I am not ashamed, and I do not hide it! 

And when I say I BUY my music, I mean it. I do not pirate it, and I do not steal it. Granted, I might burn a CD from someone on occasion, but I always purchase music. And why you might ask? Well, because I am truly a believer that music is an Art, and I want to do everything in my power to support the Artists that I love. I believe in them and their art form, and I want to support it. So yes, I purchase every tune, and I proud to admit it!

To sum this all up: while I couldn't imagine my life without my children, and I would not change a thing, I miss a few certain aspects of my old Self. Which in a way, feels as if a minor case of Identity Theft has indeed taken place. 

These words may be a little..."extreme". But if the shoe fits and all that...The best part of my absolute LOVE for all things music, is that I have already passed it on to Emma! And now I am "working" on Haylee! Not that it was intentional, but it happened, and I couldn't be more Proud of my child's admiration for the Artistry of Music! If I do not do anything else right in this whole parenting gig, I will at least know that I did this one thing right!

*ROCK ON*