We all know how much we love our kiddos. We love them more than we love ourselves {well, most of us}. But I am going to be brutally honest here: having children has somewhat stolen my own identity from myself.
For the past six years, my life has been completed and utterly devoted to my daughter. And now that has become plural. I love them more than anything! But there are times when I will look back and wish that the younger, carefree version of Me could emerge!
 |
| 2006 |
Now, that is not to say that I enjoyed that version of myself better, it is just to say that those were less stressful times. The days that for me, were filled with what I believe is a permanent fixture of myself: Music.
Me back then, consisted of: good friends, dive bars, live music, and a lot of festivals! And I would be lying to myself if I said that I do not miss some of that. Because I do!
However, the life I lead now is the path that I was destined to travel. I truly believe that, and would not change any of it! But who doesn't, from time to time, wish they could take a breather to do what they enjoy the most. Guilt free!!
Because back then, it was guilt free! There were no children to feed. Or tuck in, or read to. In fact, me just writing this already has me feeling guilty for just thinking these thoughts! Let alone admitting them publicly! And why is that? Is it just me?!
Back to the subject at hand: Now this is not to say that I do not get to occasionally partake in some good ol' fun! And granted, the definition of "fun" varies from person to person. But for me, myself and I, fun consists of the following: live music, concerts, music festivals, and yes...the occasional dive bar {from time to time}! As cheesy as this may sound to some, when I am in the moment, I become completely engrossed in every note, and every lyric, of the music that I am listening to. And in that moment, I am not just listening, but I know that I am meant to be there. In that exact moment in time, to soak it all up. Every last second of auditory excellence!!
 |
| 2010...Best. Concert. Ever. |
See what I mean? I miss it! Not being able to make my own money to spend on a whim when I see one of my favorite bands or artists are coming into town! Because that is what I used to do. I used to live it up, and now I don't. Instead, I throw myself into my days by being completely submerged into all things Kindergarten. All things baby.
So how do I treat myself these days {well, really the past six years}? Well...I BUY my music, and I really listen to it. I am a total lyric-listener. I really listen to what is being said. The story that is being told. And yes, I play the air drum in my car, and I sing out loud!! And nope, I am not ashamed, and I do not hide it!
And when I say I BUY my music, I mean it. I do not pirate it, and I do not steal it. Granted, I might burn a CD from someone on occasion, but I always purchase music. And why you might ask? Well, because I am truly a believer that music is an Art, and I want to do everything in my power to support the Artists that I love. I believe in them and their art form, and I want to support it. So yes, I purchase every tune, and I proud to admit it!
To sum this all up: while I couldn't imagine my life without my children, and I would not change a thing, I miss a few certain aspects of my old Self. Which in a way, feels as if a minor case of Identity Theft has indeed taken place.
These words may be a little..."extreme". But if the shoe fits and all that...The best part of my absolute LOVE for all things music, is that I have already passed it on to Emma! And now I am "working" on Haylee! Not that it was intentional, but it happened, and I couldn't be more Proud of my child's admiration for the Artistry of Music! If I do not do anything else right in this whole parenting gig, I will at least know that I did this one thing right!
*ROCK ON*
I think this happens to every parent. It's hard to maintain parts of our old "self". For me, it's dance. Although I do have a DEEP love for music as well, because without music and the beautiful lyrics that go with it, Dance wouldn't be nearly as awesome. But dancing is where my heart lies. Unfortunately I don't see a way that I will ever get back into dance -- it's much more active and takes physical time away to do it. So I think that will have to stay in my past. Although, I have started doing a new form of aerobic called Rizzmic, that does incorporate American styles of dance, so that has been fun. Definitely not the same dancing as my pre-kid life, but it will have to do!
ReplyDeleteI swear you took the words right out of my mouth-but you already knew that :) Ben and I were just talking about the times when we could just decide to go to the ocean and in 10 minutes be out the door. I wish I would have appreciated that time more, but I suppose that is normal. There are times when I feel guilty for mourning my kid free life, as you said it makes you feel horrible for even thinking about it, but by the comments on here and on Facebook, certainly we are not alone. I know you love your life and your family it is just a adjustment, a adjustment that takes a long time ;) Before you know it we are going to be calling each other crying that our kids are leaving for college, then we will write about how we miss our kid filled life haha! I love you, thank you for putting words to so many parents feelings.
ReplyDeleteYes. Everyone who has kids propbably has something they feel they are leaving behind. For me, I think it's travel. I used to go on a 'big' vacation once a year and at least one smaller trip. Most of my money went toward saving for vacation. I loved getting away from reality and exploring the world. I have yet to visit Europe and now I am nervous I won't get to until Cooper is out of highschool. I know that I can work towards doing these things with him, but it will be a whole new challenge and something I am sure I won't be able to do as often.
ReplyDeleteI get you.